A bad run and negative talk.

So yesterday after work I set-off to the gym to run a 5k distance. I haven't run in a week (other than short 1 mile cardio intervals) so I want to get a decent distance in. I ran 4 miles on my last run and it was a great run.

It was gross, dark and rainy out yesterday when I got out of work so I headed down the gym in the building. There are two treadmills there, one was taken and the gym was pretty crowded so I was lucky to snag one. I was cranky about it though because the open one is the one I hate. I feel like that treadmill sucks. It's harder for me to run on, always. I don't know if it has a natural incline or if it's just a POS and I can tell but whatever.

I started off my run listening to Glee songs and it didn't take long for this run to turn into the worst run ever.

My whole body felt heavy, from my legs to my torso. I felt like I was a brick. On top of that, my pelvic organs started to hurt (almost like cramps) and after the second mile the top of my left foot started to get a pain.

To top it off, I was wearing a shitty pair of workout capris that kept sagging and it made me feel like my stomach was bouncing more so that turned into me thinking how fat I was the whole time.

No wait, something else happened to annoy me! Around mile 2 when I was struggling hardcore, the other treadmill opens up and this tiny, fit girl comes on and starts running at a 6.5 like it's nothing. I'm not a bitter person, and today I say good for her but yesterday it was the last thing I felt like seeing. There I was struggling only to be next to Miss Fitness USA.

There was a lot of negative talk going on in my head. I won't go into details but it sucked. I questioned myself  Am I really a runner? I don't think I am, I should stop.

Between mile 2 and 3.1 I almost stopped at least twice if not three times. I slowed down to a 4.6 at times with the intention of giving up but then I'd kick back to a 4.8-5.0 and make myself go. I started to even feel nauseated towards the end. I know people say you should listen to your body but I thought my body was being a baby and I hate giving up.

When it was all said and done, I completed my 5k. It wasn't the pace I would have liked to keep but I didn't quit.

So why was this run so horrible?

I'm sure it had to do with the 8.5 mile bike ride from Sunday. My legs aren't used to that and I'm sure that is why they felt heavy. My body was probably having an off day, simple as that. I know I can bust our four miles at a 12/min mile when I'm feeling good. Yesterday just wasn't one of those days.

Anyway, I am also happy to report I have not snack at night the past two nights! I know I have to stay in the habit a lot longer but I'm happy because I've consciously told myself NO when the thought has crossed my mind!

I'm hoping to see a good loss on Saturday. I just need to keep this up!

Workout plan recap:
Sunday - 8.5 mile bike ride X
Monday - 5k run X
Tuesday - off X
Wednesday - spin class
Thursday - cross train
Friday - strength/cardio intervals

Hmm...

I've debating stopping my blog a lot lately. I feel like no one really reads it or cares. For now I'll keep it I guess.

Just an FYI to those who do read. If you comment here (even as anonymous) I get notified of it.

I skipped WW this week. On Friday it looked like I'd be down half a pound to a pound but then Saturday it looked like I stayed the same. It really upset me because we event went for a bike ride Friday night to get in a little extra activity.

Yesterday we went out for Daniella's birthday. I went in with a "plan" but they ended up not having the original thing I saw on the menu. It was also a tapas-style place which meant sharing small plates. I tried to not go crazy but I still went over points. I estimated the best I could after but I still felt depressed.

My goal is to only use my dailies the rest of the week. I know it will be a challenge but I have to do it. I also want to earn at least 10 AP 15 AP would be ideal.

Today John and I rode our bikes to Target. It was 8.5 miles and it took us around 55 minutes including stops at cross walks etc. Our average pace was 9.24 mph which was pretty good as far as I am concerned.

We were going to go to Bern's Steakhouse on the Sunday before Valentines but today I told John I think we should postpone it and go after I've lost some weight. If we go I know it will result in me going WAY over points for that week. So we are going to go to Seasons 52 instead where I know I can control and count points a lot easier.

My workout plan for this week is:
-Sunday: bike ride
-Monday: 5k run
-Tuesday: rest day
-Wednesday: spin class
-Thursday: cross train/upper body strength (will have to do over lunch)
-Friday: 30 min. run

If I can stick to that and stay in my daily points I know I'll see a good loss Saturday.

I am really going to try hard to lose 6lbs by our engagement party. I have three weeks which means three weeks of kicking ass is needed.

That's all for now. I hope next time I post it's with good news and it's more positive.

Actions speak louder than words...

So here I am, about to be facing my first weigh-in and February and I am in about the same place I was several weeks ago when I mad an infamous IT'S TIME TO GET SERIOUS post.

This morning when I was getting ready for work and regretting my late night binge (because that's basically what it was) I thought to myself, "Today is a new day!" Then an a voice inside my head replied with, "Really? I've heard that one before."

So there are a few things I want to address.

I was down last week, .8 to be exact. Nothing that was going to get me to that 165 goal for our engagement party. I have been half-assing my diet. I've been doing this long enough to know that even though I'm working out it won't do shit if I don't stick to the program.

My biggest problem is, like I've mentioned before, I'm a TERRIBLE snacker. I have a hard time identifying my true hunger signals (or maybe I choose to ignore them?). I've tried many things, reward jars, notes on the fridge reminding myself not to snack but what it really comes down to is that it's a deeper change I need to instill in myself.

Also, I don't snack on fattening/bad foods. I eat very healthy things but I eat too much of them. NOT GOOD!

I've actually been better about my night snacking. I have talked myself out of it a few times even! I have figured out though that when my anxiety is high and I'm not resting well my tendency to snack at night is greater. I'm guessing it's a comfort thing.

Well, last night was the worst snack night in a while and possibly ever. I ate a ice cream sandwich (4PP, snack mix 4PP and a mini-granola bar 2PP) at like 1 a.m. Really Danielle? REALLY?!

I can't really tell you what went though my head. Other than that I wasn't sleeping good, I felt crappy (my knee hurt, my facial pain was hurting) and that I clearly felt like I was very hungry. I wasn't.

So there is my confession. It really does have to stop. Even if it means keeping no snacks in the house until I can learn to control myself.

I do have a positive thing to report! John and I got a Groupon for 10 classes each at a spin studio. The bikes are crazy and you can "turn" on them which works your core and shoulders. It's intense!

Anyway, I'll end this by saying tomorrow is a new day where I can make new choices. No, screw that, right now is a new MINUTE where I can make new choices. If I make the right ones, I'll succeed and if I don't I'll face set-backs.


I hope to report that I'm down a pound on Saturday, so those good choices need to start now.

So I won't get my Magic jersey reward, it sucks but a deal is a deal. However, if I get under 170 by the 26th I can get a new dress if I choose to for our engagement party.

Wait! I did have one more thing to mention! My "no wedding dress shopping until I'm 160 or under" rule is still in play. I want it to be a happy and positive experience, not a depressing one. I don't really need to start looking until summer so there is plenty of time! I will be one hot bride.

Trying to stay positive.

I checked my weight this morning and it wasn't showing a loss. I felt really disappointed because while this week isn't perfect, it's going pretty well.

Monday I had a great workout, I ran two miles, did upper body strength training and incorporated time on the stair climber to keep my heart rate up.

Yesterday I was off from the gym because I had a lot of chores to do.

Today I am working out over lunch. If I have time, I'll go a Body Sculpt class at noon, if not just hitting the regular machines and weights.

Thursday is a 5k run and Friday I am doing some cross training and weights over lunch.

I need to stay focused with my workouts, stay in my daily points and watch my sodium. I really hope I see at least a two pound loss on Saturday.

In other news, John and I have been thinking a lot about our wedding and are coming up with fun ideas for things. I'm so excited to see it come together over the next year. :)

We got our engagement photos back, they are great! If we're friends on Facebook please check them out.

I'm feeling upset.

Over the past year my weight has crept up on me. Last year around this time I was back around 167. I remember getting down a bit from being a little over 170. I was doing spinning classes and doing pretty good on program.

Then the holidays hit me. I can't say for sure (too tired to find my weight tracker) but I believe by the time New Years was over (as were my many splurges) I was around 172. So around a 5lb gain over the holidays. Not too bad since they say the average gain is 11. The bad part is I didn't take it off.

Slowly but surely into the new year I was half-assing things and not being strict with points. Even once I started C25k I wasn't following the WW program well enough.

Then there was the Bahamas trip in March which helped add another few pounds on. I tell everyone, one bad weekend and I gain 5lbs. It's just how my body is. :(

Then I was up and down some and lately I've been stuck just over 180. It scares me. 180 is close to 200 and that is one big mental f*ck.

For the past month I've been trying to get under 180. I've missed two weeks of weigh-ins at my meetings due to being out of town, etc. but my last weigh-in I believe was 180.4 so close!

I have one more day before my weigh-in Saturday and what do I do? I mess up. I went about 5 points over tonight by basically binge eating.

I was starving when I got home from acupuncture but stopped at Publix to get some shrimp to make a nice healthy brown rice, broccoli, shrimp, orange sauce dinner and some edamame on the side.

I scarfed if down and still felt ravenous. So I ate a granola bar mindlessly. Then I went on to eat two WW ice pops.

I then went on to feel like shit.

Mind you, this is after I picked up a new jacket I ordered that came in and was at our leasing office. I ordered a medium which I knew would be snug because it's for a December trip and I was going to lose weight between now and then. I even had a conversation with John on my way to acupuncture about it and how instead of trading in for the large I'd keep the medium and lose weight.

I feel like a failure.

I get into these moods and it sucks. I managed to lose over 100lbs on WW and now I can't seem to lose 5?

I need to focus my energy more on my eating and if that means less on running/activity so be it.

When I was consistently losing back a few years ago I would rarely use my 35 WAP and use my APs each day as I needed them.  That worked for me. I need to get back to that!

John and I are going on a trip the second week of December and I refuse to be at this weight (or higher for that matter). I wanted to get down to 156 but that might be hard at this point.

I need to re-evaluate things and try to have some consistent weeks of losses before I try and give myself a number goal.

Another thing is for the 1,000,000th time I realized I can't keep red light foods in the house! No more granola bars, WW ice pops, chips, etc.

I can keep veggies, fruit, dark chocolate (oddly I do okay with this) and more delicious things that aren't processed and filled with crap.

I feel like I went all over the place with the post but I'm feeling pretty upset and keep tearing up. Losing weight and being healthy is a big emotional battle as much as it is physical.

I hope my five mile run tomorrow helps clear my mind and gets me back on track.

As far as weigh-in Saturday, it is what it is.

I'll color your world blue.

I am feeling pretty upset today. Nothing related to my weight loss or health. Other reasons I can't really post about here. I am thinking of making this blog locked so only people following can read so I can be more open. You never know who could find my blog...


What it comes down to is the feeling of being useless to a pretty big part of my life. I had to walk away for a bit today and just cry. I have this quote written on a post-it on my desk "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Well unfortunately I gave consent this morning. I am still feeling that way. Trying to give my self the internal pep talks but it's hard.

The main thing I keep telling myself is that next year at this time I'll be in a better place. That actually just made me think of another quote I love, "No matter how good or bad a situation is, it will change."

In other more positive news...

I am almost done with week 8 of C25K! I have one more 28 min. run and then I will have three 30 min. runs to finish off in week 9. I am so proud of myself for getting though this. Last year I did it for a few weeks and quit. This year I am seeing it though and even going to be doing two 5Ks in June! I also want to give a shout out to my friend Jen who is also doing it and nearing the end. We started at the same time and I think it's been a big help of us both pushing it through it and motivating each other.

So far my week points-wise has been good. I had a night snack last night which to be honest I almost forgot about. Kind of scary. I need to account for those points and move on. I believe come Saturday I will have 24 unused WAP and AP which is pretty sweet.

I weighed myself today and I was down from Saturday which rules and I still have three days to kick some butt. I am really hoping for a 3lb loss but knowing that aunty flow is around the corner I can't be that optimistic.

Well I better get back to work.

Oh one last thing! I started getting back into reading Harry Potter again and I'm really into Prisoner of Azkaban now. I can't wait to finish! We live near the Universal parks and Harry Potter world opens soon! We prob. won't go until October though. :)