Are you really hungry?

So after my mini-breakdown last night I talked to John when he got home and we made two signs for the fridge and pantry.

I need to truly question if I'm really hungry.

I did indeed wake up last night in the middle of the night and go for a snack (it's almost involuntary and that is scary) and I was able to stop and say "no!" Horray!

The second part of my post is about the awful idea I had to do an outdoor run at 3 p.m. aka the hottest part of the day. It was around 90-something and the heat index was higher. Not a cloud in the sky and the sun was beating on me.

I ended up doing just under 3 miles before I had to call it quits or else I was going to get sunburn (forgot spf!) and possibly heat stroke!

I'm not disappointed in my effort. Another thing going on is my sore throat that came back this morning so the heavy breathing wasn't helping the matter.

I'm feeling upset.

Over the past year my weight has crept up on me. Last year around this time I was back around 167. I remember getting down a bit from being a little over 170. I was doing spinning classes and doing pretty good on program.

Then the holidays hit me. I can't say for sure (too tired to find my weight tracker) but I believe by the time New Years was over (as were my many splurges) I was around 172. So around a 5lb gain over the holidays. Not too bad since they say the average gain is 11. The bad part is I didn't take it off.

Slowly but surely into the new year I was half-assing things and not being strict with points. Even once I started C25k I wasn't following the WW program well enough.

Then there was the Bahamas trip in March which helped add another few pounds on. I tell everyone, one bad weekend and I gain 5lbs. It's just how my body is. :(

Then I was up and down some and lately I've been stuck just over 180. It scares me. 180 is close to 200 and that is one big mental f*ck.

For the past month I've been trying to get under 180. I've missed two weeks of weigh-ins at my meetings due to being out of town, etc. but my last weigh-in I believe was 180.4 so close!

I have one more day before my weigh-in Saturday and what do I do? I mess up. I went about 5 points over tonight by basically binge eating.

I was starving when I got home from acupuncture but stopped at Publix to get some shrimp to make a nice healthy brown rice, broccoli, shrimp, orange sauce dinner and some edamame on the side.

I scarfed if down and still felt ravenous. So I ate a granola bar mindlessly. Then I went on to eat two WW ice pops.

I then went on to feel like shit.

Mind you, this is after I picked up a new jacket I ordered that came in and was at our leasing office. I ordered a medium which I knew would be snug because it's for a December trip and I was going to lose weight between now and then. I even had a conversation with John on my way to acupuncture about it and how instead of trading in for the large I'd keep the medium and lose weight.

I feel like a failure.

I get into these moods and it sucks. I managed to lose over 100lbs on WW and now I can't seem to lose 5?

I need to focus my energy more on my eating and if that means less on running/activity so be it.

When I was consistently losing back a few years ago I would rarely use my 35 WAP and use my APs each day as I needed them.  That worked for me. I need to get back to that!

John and I are going on a trip the second week of December and I refuse to be at this weight (or higher for that matter). I wanted to get down to 156 but that might be hard at this point.

I need to re-evaluate things and try to have some consistent weeks of losses before I try and give myself a number goal.

Another thing is for the 1,000,000th time I realized I can't keep red light foods in the house! No more granola bars, WW ice pops, chips, etc.

I can keep veggies, fruit, dark chocolate (oddly I do okay with this) and more delicious things that aren't processed and filled with crap.

I feel like I went all over the place with the post but I'm feeling pretty upset and keep tearing up. Losing weight and being healthy is a big emotional battle as much as it is physical.

I hope my five mile run tomorrow helps clear my mind and gets me back on track.

As far as weigh-in Saturday, it is what it is.

A bad day. :(

Today was just a bad day. Simple as that.

I even forgot photos for the first half of the day!

I snacked again last night (ugh) so I started out the day 4 points in the negative.

For breakfast today I had my 1 point coffee and 2 points for my Bagel Thin and WW cream cheese.

I didn't have time to pack a lunch today so I bought salad at work. I had some chicken on it and it was 5 points I also had some snack mix which was 2 points.

For afternoon snacks at work I had 0 point veggies and a 1 point apple.

I rushed home after work so John and I could go view a condo (we are moving soon) and for dinner I had some baked chips and salsa for 2 points and a sandwich using an Arnolds Sandwich Thin, chicken and avocado for 3 points.

 

I had a piece of candy when we were out for 2 points and a WW Ice Cream Cone later for 2 points.

Just before I posted this I got hungry so I had some cut up cucumbers with dressing for 1 point.

Today was one of those days where it was really hard to not emotionally eat. I was feeling stressed, sad, angry, frustrated and overwhelmed. I am sad I went over my dailies again but what's done is done and tomorrow is a new day.

Could use some words of motivation. <3

25/24 daily points used

19/35 weekly allowance points remaining